The awakening
July 5th, 2007十四天在落磯的山野。回到文明世界，給我一點時間。中文字變得像生澀的符號，我要看過顫慄的文章，才尋回一點寫字的感覺。
飛行給人一種緩慢行進的錯覺，山脈河流徐徐漂移，浮雲靜如雪砌的城堡，地平線愈爬愈遠。從一段不想就此結束的旅行中歸去，需要的是這樣如若遲疑的安撫。乘火車的歸途會使我焦慮，流景飛逝，匆促得令人寒戰。
途中飛機徐落北加州，我從窗口望出去，舊金山灣那一片色彩斑斕的米草群落，鮮得刺目。慌忙找出相機，在一陣超現實的暈眩裡短暫忘卻了『離去』和『歸來』。
我不喜歡有人接機。我更愿意長久的一言不發，就像清早醒來時候，沉默的洗臉、刷牙，思緒仍舊在夢境裡流連，任現實一點一滴沉淀。從旅行中歸去，也似由從散場的電影裡走出來，都是從一種現實到另一種現實的過渡，都隱約有種令人失落的舉步維艱。這時候我總想像自己是喑啞的。家里的物件一如離去時模樣，可是氣息、質感都有點陌生。人在外遭遇新鮮的環境，經歷過抵觸、抗爭與適應，對舊有的意象往往生異，回來後內心又是小小一番波瀾。從打開的行囊裡取出一件件衣物，那偶爾釋放的旅途中的氣息，像是夢最後殘存的一絲餘味，在家的味道中彌漫漸消逝。
這以後，人才醒了。
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Comment by Martin Loser King Sr. @ July 17, 2007 19:15
It seems you are suffering from depression so badly. See a doctor and counceling may help a lot.
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Comment by Z @ July 19, 2007 13:46
Hey, Loser King,
Thanks for caring and the suggestion. As for me, a certain degree of depression at certain times, maybe, but suffering, no. I found myself well balanced. Usually the best cure for depression is not to consult the help of a doctor or medicine, but to find the anti-depression elements in life and focus on them. Most of the time doctors only give you advices based on a universal formula. But everybody is different. If you are sharp and sensitive, you know better about yourself than doctors do. BTW, do you suffer from aggression? ;-)
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Comment by Martin Loser King Sr. @ July 19, 2007 23:10
got ur point.
Q: do i suffer from aggression?
A: No. 寡人无疾 too.
what does “所圭疑” meas? I thought this blog was hosted by jap when i first discovered it (i am working on an internet content mining & aggregation project). does it carry some real meaning or just fantasy?
fyi, my next book, ‘harry pottor, the nightmare and the 6th sense’ has been greatly inspired by some of ur articals.
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Comment by Z @ July 20, 2007 17:38
This blog doesn’t really carry any meaning to anyone but myself. It’s merely a personal journal about daily trivial thoughts, fantasies, as you may call it (like many bloggers, I don’t mind revealing certain aspects of my private life to a certain degree).
至於『所圭疑』，即『所掛礙』。既然盡力做都做不到『心無掛礙，無掛礙，故無有恐怖，遠離顛倒夢想』，就隨心所欲寫一些『掛礙』的事。