在騰沖拍的一張舊照，想起 Derek Jarman 的《藍》——

What need of so much news from abroad while all that concerns either life or death is all transacting and at work within me.

I step off the kerb and a cyclist nearly knocks me down. Flying in from the dark he nearly parted my hair.

Blue is the universal love in which man bathes - it is the terrestrial paradise.

If I lose half my sight will my vision be halved?

Blue transcends the solemn geography of human limits.

The virus rages fierce. I have no friends now who are not dead or dying. Like a blue frost it caught them.

I am accompanied by a shadow into which H.B. appears and disappears. I have lost the sight on the periphery of my right eye.

I hold out my hands before me and slowly part them. At a certain moment they disappear out of the corner of my eyes. This how I used to see. Now if I repeat the motion, this is all I see.

Thinking blind, becoming blind.

My mind bright as a button but my body falling apart - a naked light bulb in a dark and ruined room.

My skin sits on me like the shirt of Nessus.

The damaged retina has started to peel away leaving innumerable black floaters, like a flock of starlings swirling around in the twilight.

I caught myself looking at shoes in a shop window. I thought of going in and buying a pair, but stopped myself. The shoes I am wearing at the moment should be sufficient to walk me out of life.

In time,
No one will remember our work
Our life will pass like the traces of a cloud
And be scattered like
Mist that is chased by the
Rays of the sun
For our time is the passing of a shadow
And our lives will run like
Sparks through the stubble.

- Derek Jarman, Blue

再一次，括米蘭·昆德拉的《笑忘錄》:

…every love relationship rests on an unwritten agreement unthinkingly concluded by the lovers in the first weeks of their love. They are still in a kind of dream but at the same time, without knowing it, are drawing up, like uncompromising lawyers, the detailed clauses of their contract. O lovers! Be careful in those dangerous first days! Once you’ve brought breakfast in bed you’ll have to bring it forever, unless you want to be accused of lovelessness and betrayal.

寫得不好的戀愛草約就像做錯的結構設計，一開始就趨向全盤崩坍。儘管在實作當中可以慢慢修復，但是作出質變的可能性已經微乎其微。我曾經以爲，寫得不好的戀愛草約，還可以推翻重寫。

過去的大多事，換用後來的心態，大概都會產生完全不同的結局。但也是由於這些事的發生，才成就後來的心態。所以人生若重來一次，大體發生過的還會再發生。無非是，命中注定。無非是，cause and effect. As mysterious as life should be, we are unaware of the causes most of the events we witness. We see the effects and only later discover the cause.

過去永遠投影在未來的光線裏，回憶總在不斷的改換著顔色，因爲未來總陰晴無定。同樣，未來也總甩不掉過去的影子。任何一段歷史，都有它不可磨滅的印象，一個人、和一個人、和一些人的故事，一旦成爲回憶，便好像樹木被蛀了孔，不再有新生的質體能填補這個空洞。

寫得不好的戀愛草約，還可以推翻重寫。只是，＂推翻＂本身，是一個漫長的過程。在這個過程中，會有新的人和新的事在變成回憶，也許比更早的過去更清晰、更頑固。所以起初寫錯的戀愛草約，可以輕易被推翻，但我懷疑，大約很少有重寫的機會了。

過去常常想，我這一生，還沒有真正後悔的事。任何事都有其發生的道理，任何一個判斷或決定都是走向未來裏無限糾結的好與坏的開始，帶來等量的失落和獲得。因一個決定產生的變數，難以說得到更好或更坏的結局。可是，我還沒有後悔，或許只是我還不夠年老，未來還有許多不確定，還有許多可以繼續失誤、繼續嘗試的舉措。就好像死亡仍然很遙遠，這個概念仍然很虛構，所以我們不懼怕死。死于華年，有如山櫻繽紛謝落之凄美。等我們愈老，離死亡愈近，也許我們會變得愈膽怯，對不可逆轉的過去會愈惋惜吧。

自從改日記的習慣為寫網誌，我便不時感到困擾。日記作爲個人史記，在沒有他者的閲讀下，擁有無限的創作自由，可以天馬行空無所顧慮。但從我失掉為個人寫作的耐心，就總在疑惑自己書寫的目的。我不像很多人那樣，可以假想出一個相對固定的讀者群。我的讀者在我書寫時不斷變換著臉孔，一會兒是A，一會兒是Z，一會兒是我自己，一會兒是誤闖而來的陌生人。因而我的文字看起來七拼八湊，主題淩亂，修辭卻繁冗且空洞。像日記的變體，卻缺乏日記的自由。

我日益感到無話可説，書寫的慾望卻日益強烈。

Graphomania is not a desire to write letters, diaries, or family chronicles (to write for oneself or one’s immediate family); it is a desire to write books (to have a public of unknown readers)…

Graphomania (an obsession with writing books) takes on the proportions of a mass epidemic whenever a society develops to the point where it can provide three basic conditions:

1. a high enough degree of general well-being to enable people to devote their energies to useless activities;
2. an advanced state of social atomization and the resultant general feeling of the isolation of the individual;
3. a radical absence of significant social change in the internal development of the nation. (…Bibi was absolutely right when she claimed never to have experienced anything from the outside. It is this absence of content, this void, that powers the motor driving her to write.)

But the effect transmits a kind of flashback to the cause. If general isolation causes graphomania, mass graphomania itself reinforces and aggravates the feeling of general isolation. The invention of printing originally promoted mutual understanding. In the era of graphomania the writing of books has the opposite effect: everyone surrounds himself with his own writings as with a wall of mirrors cutting off all voices from without.

- Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting, Trans. Michael Henry Heim

閲讀的願望——（產生于）——寫作的願望——（產生于）——表達的願望——（產生于）——被認同的願望——（產生于）——認同的願望——（產生于）——閲讀的願望

閲讀的願望——（產生于）——窺視的願望——（產生于）——被窺視的願望——（產生于）——無爲、寂靜、空虛的生命長軌裏以纖細之聲竭力呼喊以換得些微回響的願望

在東京的機場撞上了大學時候的英文老師 Chris，他正在前往中國的路上。

人生的不期而遇在發生的時候似乎像掉下一個銅板彎腰撿起來一樣自然而然，可是在招呼、寒暄、道別過後、囘過身去，卻有攝人的驚詫不已、难以置信。上一次見面，已經是十年前，十年裏，音信全無。

恍惚間，想起在《尋找小津》那部電影裏，Wenders 遇到了 Herzog。東京，是個離奇的地方。從成田機場一號航站到二號航站，要穿過長長的走廊，我獨自站在慢慢滾動的自動人行道上，前後始終不見一個人影，好似時間幾乎靜止，而我在慢鏡頭裏前往未來。

一九九四年初冬，年輕的 Christopher Gordon 在天壇寂靜的柏園裏背誦 Edgar Allen Poe 的長詩 The Raven，聽到激昂処，我大爲傾倒。

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December,
And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor.
Eagerly I wished the morrow; - vainly I had sought to borrow
From my books surcease of sorrow - sorrow for the lost Lenore -
For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore -
Nameless here for evermore.

The world was all before them, where to choose
Their place of rest, and Providence their guide.
They hand in hand, with wand’ring steps and slow,
Through Eden took their solitary way.

- John Milton, 1608-1674, Paradise Lost, Book XII

Andreas Scholl: With Wand’ring Steps (The Merchant of Venice)

Define me.

This morning I read:

Actually, the main thing now is not to paint precociously but to be or, at least, to become an individual. The art of mastering life is the prerequisite for all further forms of expression, whether they are paintings, sculptures, tragedies, or musical compositions. Not only to master life in practice, but to shape it meaningfully within me and to achieve as mature an attitude before it as possible. Obviously this isn’t accomplished with a few general precepts but grows like Nature. Besides, I wouldn’t know how to find any such precepts…

…As a beginner in this profession I shall not be able to please people; they will ask things of me that any clever young person with talent might easily come up with. My consolation is that the sincerity of my intention will always be more of a check to me than my lack of skill. Starting from an awareness of the prevalence of law, to broaden out until the horizon of thought once again becomes organized, and complexities, automatically falling into order, become simple again.

- Paul Klee, The Diaries of Paul Klee, p. 119

In search of my complete identity, I found -  

Eric Rohmer’s everyday triviality.
Andrei Tarkovsky’s visions in poetry.
Ingmar Bergman’s struggles and loneliness.
Michelangelo Antonioni’s sense and sensibility.
Werner Herzog’s dreams that transcend the little “me”.

Define me.

浮雲

電影裡的他，並非一個薄幸的浪子，只不過面對著現實仿佛比女人更為脆弱，在那種戰敗之後漫爛的迷惘之中，格外對舊情不堪承載、對過往不忍回首。當下生活的窘迫和無所適從，消磨掉他在南洋時風發的意氣。而不能夠狠心舍棄等待他多年的髮妻，則被她認定了他是負心的，話語句句生寒。

他感傷且無可奈何地的意識到兩個人竟生分了，過去在南洋的生活，不過是夢一場，回到內地只有冷峻的、令人窒息的、瑣碎的生計。都希望故遇重逢時能夠舊情如織，可是重新在一起如果只是過這樣的日子，那麼連唯一可以把握的回憶所帶來的點滴歡愉，都要被破損了。但她不解他意，所以當他說到分手，她只寒涼地想到被拋棄。對於她，是不是回到單純無憂的往昔卻不是那麼重要的，重要的是能夠在一起。在一起，就是生活的一切了，至於什麼樣的生活本身，她都沒有去想過，所以他說她，女人真是悠閑啊。

他領了她去伊香保准備殉情的，卻惹了一身她對現狀的冷嘲熱諷，使他怏怏地打消了死作一處的願望，且禁不住在當下自聊地坦白了。畢竟殉情也是黯淡生活裡可以最後被點燃的一樁熱情，如果這樣的決定都不能與心愛的人心意相通地實現，恰如為生命劃上終不如意的句號。不如苟且地活下去，也許隧道盡頭總會出現微光的。清之於他，不過是慘淡生活裡那一點微光，是生活重新開始的一種力量，還有清的自主和尖利，對於他傷感而消沉的意志，都是不可多得的支柱。他對清，到底有多深的感情，始終沒有交待過。每逢她質疑，他只一味的沉默不語。看得明白的是，清的死，唯有令他更加低迷，不僅是精神，更是在經濟上因身陷醜聞以致景況愈下。

終究她對他是看得通透的，雖然對他的忠貞總不免帶著一絲酸苦的懷疑，但她對他，真真是“無論貧窮、富裕、疾病、健康，不離不棄，始終如一”。而他也慢慢接受了她的變化，待得她與他奔赴遠疆顛沛流離，他重新對雙方的未來有了期許。在鹿兒島等船的小客棧裡，女伺喚她“夫人”，他亦溫情地向她調侃，而她，蒼白地一笑，卻從此一病不起，仿佛已心力交瘁，再無法承受人世悲歡。

殘燈明滅的雨夜，他孤零枯瘦的肩膀，支不住哀慟地，向一邊垂下去。

“花的生命是很短暫的，而艱苦的事往往總是漫長的。”

朱天文在《荒人手記》裡是這樣對比形容成瀨和小津的：

成瀨電影裡的人，女優高峰秀子，回頭一望演出法。

成瀨電影並不多的外景戲，總是倆倆邊走邊談話，有時成瀨使用軌道隨人物行走跟拍，最特別還是，讓一人走前一步回轉頭來，另一人緊上前去，二人再次並肩講話。以人物進行代替攝影機運動，營釀出細膩的韻致。

即使內景，成瀨亦執迷於室內外交界處，用光影落差造出來疊染和時移，復藉日式住宅互通有無的隔[木+扇]布局，斜角，多層次空間，與固定鏡頭裡的縱深場面調度，筑構出成瀨式景框。活動其間之人，行雲浮止，聚散無由。

小津曾說，我拍不出來的電影只有兩部，那是溝口的是祇園姊妹，跟成瀨的浮雲。

橫斷風格家小津，較接近於陽性氣質。他的景框，數學的，幾何的，在垂直線和平行線理梭織著感情。空鏡，是他盛裝著感情的容器。

成瀨巳喜男，比小津多了顏色，更無痕跡，更無情契的，紛紛開自落，比小津迷人。小津靜觀，思省。成瀨卻自身參予，偕運命一起流轉，他一生愛好是天然。

我的寫作似乎在漸漸變成為得到某種認可。它成為寫作的目的，交流的目的。只有最最初的日記裡，才見到過完全沒有假想讀者的最私密的敘述，因此，十二三歲那個時候的文字今天看來讓人面紅耳赤。可是沒有交流目的性的寫作是不可想象的，這違背了文字存在的意義，也許，任何一段文字都是為了一個潛在的讀者而存在的。我能做到的是，盡量懷著不去考慮“他人為讀者”的寫作願望，既然不得不有讀者，那麼讓“他”是將來時的自己。

在所有的對話方式當中，電話是最糟糕的，它的可惡之處就是讓你不能夠安受沉默，一段平靜自然的、在溝通中常常存在的沉默。

Mia Don’t you hate that?
Vincent What?
Mia Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

Pulp Fiction 的對白好像素描淡彩，不尋常的故事有無數個平凡普通日常生活的細節構成元素，漫不經心又漫無邊際的閑聊，這麼信手拈來卻又巧奪天工。也許 Tarantino 只是一個擅於觀察的人，擅於觀察所以作得出好文章。

那些交談的空白，適合有滋有味地咂幾口煙，目光交易，尋找話題，或者加強語氣。電話裡，看不見對方的表情，這種沉默往往導致焦慮的猜疑，結果是搜腸刮肚地找話要說的下一句，或者用傾聽的片刻走一走神 ── 一段步履凌亂的對話。個人的經驗是，沉默很多的電話交談往往是不好的征兆，意味著很快就會有失落的一方不得不中止或被中止。可是沉默很多的對面相處就可以很怡情，甚至可以一句話都不講。那是一個令人追求的境界。

S.R. One of the many things that a reader can unexpectedly learn from your work is to appreciate silence. You write about the freedom it makes possible, its multiple causes and meanings. For instance, you say in your last book that there is not one but many silences. Would it be correct to infer that there is a strongly autobiographical element in this?

FOUCAULT I think that any child who has been educated in a Catholic milieu just before or during the Second World War had the experience that there were many different ways of speaking as well as many forms of silence. There were some kinds of silence which implied very sharp hostility and others which meant deep friendship, emotional admiration, even love. I remember very well that when I met the filmmaker Daniel Schmidt who visited me, I don’t know for what purposes, we discovered after a few minutes that we really had nothing to say to each other. So we stayed together from about three o’clock in the afternoon to midnight. We drank, we smoked hash, we had dinner. And I don’t think we spoke more than twenty minutes during those ten hours. From that moment a rather long friendship started. It was for me the first time that a friendship originated in strictly silent behavior.

Maybe another feature of this appreciation of silence is related to the obligation of speaking. I lived as a child in a petit bourgeois, provincial milieu in France and the obligation of speaking, of making conversations with visitors, was for me something both very strange and very boring. I often wondered why people had to speak. Silence may be a much more interesting way of having a relationship with people.

S.R. There is in North-American Indian culture a much greater appreciation of silence than in English-speaking societies and I suppose in French-speaking societies as well.

FOUCAULT Yes, you see, I think silence is one of those things that has unfortunately been dropped from our culture. We don’t have a culture of silence; we don’t have a culture of suicide either. The Japanese do, I think. Young Romans or young Greeks were taught to keep silent in very different ways according to the people with whom they were interacting. Silence was then a specific form of experiencing a relationship with others. This is something that I believe is really worthwhile cultivating. I’m in favor of developing silence as a culture ethos.

- Michel Foucault, An interview by Stephan Riggins, Ethos, 1983

在領館等待簽證的時候閱讀荷索的訪談：

I have never been one of those who cares about happiness. Happiness is a strange notion. I am just not made for it. It has never been a goal of mine; I do not think in those terms. It seems to be a goal in life for many people, but I have no goals in life. I suspect I am after something else.

…

To give my existence some sort of a meaning. It is a very simplified answer, I know, but whether I am happy or not does not count that much. I have always enjoyed my work. Maybe enjoying is not the right word: I have always loved it. It means a lot to me that I have the privilege of working in this profession, even though I have struggled to make my films the way I really wanted to, and get them as close to the vission I have been seeking…

似乎很難表述對一個人的作品喜歡的是什麼。但是必定有一種力量，一種一貫的、自我的、堅持乃至更強烈的主題我可以察覺，可以在他所有作品中得到印証，可以反復地被這種力量觸動。雖然荷索的經驗對我的生活沒有什麼具像的影響，但或許，是幫助形成一種信仰一種理念。

從沒有想過歡樂對於一些人可以是不重要的，我以爲每個人都在追尋著。歡樂，帶著笑聲的喜悅。可是，笑聲和喜悅，都不是連續、漫長的。如果說把歡樂當作人生目標，也僅僅是把常常歡樂當作人生目標吧。這三兩年的生活裡，笑語是不絕的，用一個詞概括，大概『開心』很恰如其分。然而開心之餘，依然常常隱約地覺得有所缺失。墨工曾說我是，好端端的，卻喜歡把自己搞得悲悲慼慼。其實，悲慼由來于不滿，歡樂得自無憂，無憂和不滿，大概是可以共生的兩種心態。偶爾笑完了，卻有『很空洞』這種印象。似乎是，在平凡的日常點滴裡，還有一顆悸動的心，想要超越局限于個人的、瑣碎的得失與喜樂，從一個更高更遠、更廣闊的角度看人生，有所為，所不為。也許正是這樣，荷索的電影，才格外觸動我。

在曼哈頓走了一整天，直到腳抽筋。故地重游，有橫看成嶺側成峰的感受。是心境的反映吧。那個冬天的紐約，竟有人性化的特征，彌漫著地鐵隧道涌出來的瘴氣，潮冷又憂鬱。仲夏的城市，怎麼看也只是個城市，四處是行走的人，步履匆匆。推論得出，對這個城市的親疏，完全取決於地面溫度，是寒冷使人想擠作一處吧？

時代廣場上有個東歐人在賣電影劇本，看到 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind，拎起來，是打字機印出來樣的版本，單面有字，和電影剪接後的版不同，買來沉沉的背著，和我一起穿越過整個下城。

在火車上閱讀。

My goal, Joel, is to just let it flow through me? Do you know what I mean? It’s like, there’s all these emotions and ideas and they come quick and they change and they come back in a different form and I think we’re all taught we should be consistent. Y’know? You love someone — that’s it. Forever. You choose to do something with your life — that’s it, that’s what you do. It’s a sign of maturity to stick with that and see things through. And my feeling is that’s how you die, because you stop listening to what is true, and what is true is constantly changing. You know?

生活總是這麽困惑。在紛繁不定的思緒裏告誡自己要堅持、要有原則、要心如止水；可是果真這樣，又懷疑自己心境老態。她是心意激昂的浮藻，難以安定，不肯妥協，寧可落得遍體鱗傷。但是他性子太低調、太清淡，補不足她的飛揚。我們其實都無法選擇自己將會愛上的人，就像電影裡發生的那樣，一次又一次，反復傾軋著曾以爲是錯誤的人生軌跡。如果生命重來一次，如果我遇到相同的人，我想我依然會愛上我愛過的他，迴避我不愛的他，同等強烈，同等淡薄。但是電影裡，如果換作我，在知道了兩個人第一次的經歷和結局以後，還會有勇氣重來麽？

在長島的火車站裡等火車，突然想跑到對面的站臺，到故事裏的海邊去。一直很想看下雪時的海灘，在西部，是沒有那種清冷的氣氛的。

可是這裡正是炎夏，我怕見到成群的曬日光浴的慵懶的男女，只好暗自打消了這個念頭。火車站臺的海報廣告，被什麽人小心翼翼撕出一個跳舞的小人。