近一個月各類事件頻頻發生，加之前一通與母親的電話中討論時政引發的爭端，陡然拓展（或說，扭轉）我目前的閱讀空間和興趣取向。人到了一定年紀，心思漸次由對自身的關注轉向對世界的關注。世界是什麼？世界包括我周圍的人（我認識的、我知道的、我將要認識的、以及我將要忘記的人）；我生存的環境(自然，文化，藝術，語言，理念，信仰，科學，未來)；我所處的社會與國家機制，我關心的人所處的社會與國家機制……還有更多。

從前寫過的話，雖然有許多以現下的心智看了只會訕笑，但當時有曾這樣想過、這樣寫過，就有於此存在的權利，是所謂尊重歷史。也不能保證日後不會重又突如其來的發些瑣碎的感言，人，大概總免不了一時血氣上涌情感取勝於理智。

思緒紛繁蕪雜，寫作實為極好的爬梳。書寫中形成認識、鋪展認識、質疑與反思，慢慢成為當下內心的側重。

偶然查成語時，看到【想入非非】條。非非，原為『非想非非想處天』的省略。

復次阿難當知。識所住處有其七種。非識住處有其二種。七識住處者。所謂若有色有眾生。種種身種種想。是為第一識所住處。若有色有眾生。種種身一想。所謂初禪天。此為第二識所住處。若有色有眾生。一身種種想。所謂二禪天。是為第三識所住處。若有色有眾生。一身一想。所謂三禪天。是為第四識所住處。若無色無眾生。彼一切處離諸色想。都一虛空。所謂空無邊處天。是為第五識所住處。若無色無眾生。彼一切處離於空想。都惟一識。所謂識無邊處天。是為第六識所住處。若無色無眾生。彼一切處離識無邊。都無所有。所謂無所有處天。是為第七識所住處。阿難。二種非識住處者。所謂若有色有眾生。即無想天。是為第一非識住處。若無色無眾生。於彼一切離無所有處。非有想非無想。即非想非非想處天。是為第二非識住處

- 大藏經 ∙ 阿含部上 ∙ 大生義經

我又一次被指出文字中太多哀意。原以為自己已經慢慢摒棄了顧影自憐的作態。沉湎於哀情為我所鄙，殊不知，積習難改。

人總是看不到自己的項背。

過度傾注自身情緒的敘述極易卷入不良的慣性。但換一個角度講，我力圖記錄生活道路上的點滴標識，可是描寫歡情的詞句少而乏味，而自己的言語又不夠詼諧。此外，我有意避寫開懷，也因歡樂種種，大多雷同。與之相反，憂沉的心思令人駐足析解，反復琢磨。不過這畢竟不是一個足夠好的理由，頗有自我開脫的嫌疑。真若仔細辯白，我另有兩轍段落——

其一轍，是關於死亡的話題——

殘春初上市的櫻桃，飽足如稚子撲撲的紅臉，折射出第一縷喜人的夏光。看著它們，我總是想起阿巴斯的《櫻桃之味》，總是想起死生之間是如此一層脆弱的薄幕。我時時把 死 掛在嘴邊，不僅僅是因為那些日間不斷上演的新聞肥皂劇，也不僅僅因為身邊不斷傷逝的人。我更不想說美好的物事令人感激此生此在這種廢話。只不過，對死亡的忖度也是對生的思量，對邊界的探知勾勒出生的形狀。用一種和氣而淡足的心態直目未知，在我眼中，遠非一味的悲觀憂抑。

另一轍，是現狀中遭遇的矛盾——

雖然此刻甘於幽居生活的恬靜安怡，我心卻仍時有悸動，像一隻等待驚醒的蟄居的蛙。關於未來，我早已逾越了那個『與一生真愛相濡以沫』的人生展望，那是年青時被我主動丟棄的夢，與舊人舊物停留在過往，那以後，我已日夜兼程，並對此去有另外期待的圖景——一個或許能超越凡常憂喜的圖景。雖然前程還不具形狀，但行走的過程本身是個不斷的探求，我希望日常瑣細的筆錄能留下足跡供我辨別，在迷途中漸循出方向。即便偶然的困頓引發思慮，訴諸筆端，既為宣泄，也有所濟助領悟的提升。

此處，我或許又犯了虛言妄語的毛病。 但道路總是漸行漸清晰，漸高遠，漸開闊。在淡泊中體味豐足是一種人生真味，對夢想堅持不渝的執著也是一種。被任意一種情態束縛，大概是我此刻最不願妥協的讓步。但少幾句無病的呻吟，倒是真的。

自從改日記的習慣為寫網誌，我便不時感到困擾。日記作爲個人史記，在沒有他者的閲讀下，擁有無限的創作自由，可以天馬行空無所顧慮。但從我失掉為個人寫作的耐心，就總在疑惑自己書寫的目的。我不像很多人那樣，可以假想出一個相對固定的讀者群。我的讀者在我書寫時不斷變換著臉孔，一會兒是A，一會兒是Z，一會兒是我自己，一會兒是誤闖而來的陌生人。因而我的文字看起來七拼八湊，主題淩亂，修辭卻繁冗且空洞。像日記的變體，卻缺乏日記的自由。

我日益感到無話可説，書寫的慾望卻日益強烈。

Graphomania is not a desire to write letters, diaries, or family chronicles (to write for oneself or one’s immediate family); it is a desire to write books (to have a public of unknown readers)…

Graphomania (an obsession with writing books) takes on the proportions of a mass epidemic whenever a society develops to the point where it can provide three basic conditions:

1. a high enough degree of general well-being to enable people to devote their energies to useless activities;
2. an advanced state of social atomization and the resultant general feeling of the isolation of the individual;
3. a radical absence of significant social change in the internal development of the nation. (…Bibi was absolutely right when she claimed never to have experienced anything from the outside. It is this absence of content, this void, that powers the motor driving her to write.)

But the effect transmits a kind of flashback to the cause. If general isolation causes graphomania, mass graphomania itself reinforces and aggravates the feeling of general isolation. The invention of printing originally promoted mutual understanding. In the era of graphomania the writing of books has the opposite effect: everyone surrounds himself with his own writings as with a wall of mirrors cutting off all voices from without.

- Milan Kundera, The Book of Laughter and Forgetting, Trans. Michael Henry Heim

閲讀的願望——（產生于）——寫作的願望——（產生于）——表達的願望——（產生于）——被認同的願望——（產生于）——認同的願望——（產生于）——閲讀的願望

閲讀的願望——（產生于）——窺視的願望——（產生于）——被窺視的願望——（產生于）——無爲、寂靜、空虛的生命長軌裏以纖細之聲竭力呼喊以換得些微回響的願望

林是臺灣出生美國長大的，漢字識得一些，書寫就難爲他了。一次他請我代寫一張信封，我一落筆，就被他戯笑了一番：那幾個字，怎麽寫錯了，而且這麽難看的。在他面前我對自己的筆跡還敢有幾分自負，漫不經心地反駁：你不認得簡體字，不要胡説。可是暗裏不由得有些氣短。後來，便開始學寫繁體字。起初只是覺得好看，越來越有些上癮了。

最早認繁體字，是小學時候家裏有一本影印的香港版英漢對照《讀者文摘》 選萃。裏面的標題很怪趣：《花花公子的英雄壯舉》，《吉屋招租》，諸如此類。忍不住拿來翻，才知道有繁體字這一回事。一開始總要查字典，後來學會猜，再後來，整本書看完，繁體字也認得差不多了。

開始用繁體，發現語彙裏一下子多了很多字。閲讀，也因字形狀更多的變化而生動起來。另為許多被簡化掉的字憤憤不平。淚 這個字明白的一張哭泣的臉，比劃也不繁瑣，怎麽給改寫成了〈泪〉，就是想不通。看形狀〈泪〉只是木呆呆的一塊，雖然有只眼睛在旁邊，卻是沒有神色表情的，好像一截乾巴巴的蠟燭。還有 為〈为〉 媽媽說這個字改的最醜，不管怎麽寫也是歪歪扭扭，站不起來。 這樣的例子，不勝凡擧。

可是我這樣的年紀才學寫字，進境很緩，常用別字。

我的寫作似乎在漸漸變成為得到某種認可。它成為寫作的目的，交流的目的。只有最最初的日記裡，才見到過完全沒有假想讀者的最私密的敘述，因此，十二三歲那個時候的文字今天看來讓人面紅耳赤。可是沒有交流目的性的寫作是不可想象的，這違背了文字存在的意義，也許，任何一段文字都是為了一個潛在的讀者而存在的。我能做到的是，盡量懷著不去考慮“他人為讀者”的寫作願望，既然不得不有讀者，那麼讓“他”是將來時的自己。

在所有的對話方式當中，電話是最糟糕的，它的可惡之處就是讓你不能夠安受沉默，一段平靜自然的、在溝通中常常存在的沉默。

Mia Don’t you hate that?
Vincent What?
Mia Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it’s necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
Vincent I don’t know. That’s a good question.
Mia That’s when you know you’ve found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

Pulp Fiction 的對白好像素描淡彩，不尋常的故事有無數個平凡普通日常生活的細節構成元素，漫不經心又漫無邊際的閑聊，這麼信手拈來卻又巧奪天工。也許 Tarantino 只是一個擅於觀察的人，擅於觀察所以作得出好文章。

那些交談的空白，適合有滋有味地咂幾口煙，目光交易，尋找話題，或者加強語氣。電話裡，看不見對方的表情，這種沉默往往導致焦慮的猜疑，結果是搜腸刮肚地找話要說的下一句，或者用傾聽的片刻走一走神 ── 一段步履凌亂的對話。個人的經驗是，沉默很多的電話交談往往是不好的征兆，意味著很快就會有失落的一方不得不中止或被中止。可是沉默很多的對面相處就可以很怡情，甚至可以一句話都不講。那是一個令人追求的境界。

S.R. One of the many things that a reader can unexpectedly learn from your work is to appreciate silence. You write about the freedom it makes possible, its multiple causes and meanings. For instance, you say in your last book that there is not one but many silences. Would it be correct to infer that there is a strongly autobiographical element in this?

FOUCAULT I think that any child who has been educated in a Catholic milieu just before or during the Second World War had the experience that there were many different ways of speaking as well as many forms of silence. There were some kinds of silence which implied very sharp hostility and others which meant deep friendship, emotional admiration, even love. I remember very well that when I met the filmmaker Daniel Schmidt who visited me, I don’t know for what purposes, we discovered after a few minutes that we really had nothing to say to each other. So we stayed together from about three o’clock in the afternoon to midnight. We drank, we smoked hash, we had dinner. And I don’t think we spoke more than twenty minutes during those ten hours. From that moment a rather long friendship started. It was for me the first time that a friendship originated in strictly silent behavior.

Maybe another feature of this appreciation of silence is related to the obligation of speaking. I lived as a child in a petit bourgeois, provincial milieu in France and the obligation of speaking, of making conversations with visitors, was for me something both very strange and very boring. I often wondered why people had to speak. Silence may be a much more interesting way of having a relationship with people.

S.R. There is in North-American Indian culture a much greater appreciation of silence than in English-speaking societies and I suppose in French-speaking societies as well.

FOUCAULT Yes, you see, I think silence is one of those things that has unfortunately been dropped from our culture. We don’t have a culture of silence; we don’t have a culture of suicide either. The Japanese do, I think. Young Romans or young Greeks were taught to keep silent in very different ways according to the people with whom they were interacting. Silence was then a specific form of experiencing a relationship with others. This is something that I believe is really worthwhile cultivating. I’m in favor of developing silence as a culture ethos.

- Michel Foucault, An interview by Stephan Riggins, Ethos, 1983